Where should I begin? The non sequitur, semi colloquial dialogue? The obnoxious inside jokes, or, perhaps, the fact that Butkus is not in this film? All of these problems and more become apparent after the first few minutes of the film. Maybe I should just start at the beginning.
Rocky III is a direct sequel to Rocky II. You may think this goes without saying, but we must never take anything for granted in the world of Rocky. The film opens with a clip from Rocky II—the moment when Rocky and Apollo both go down for the count, but our favorite Philadelphian manages to get back on his feet thereby winning him the heavyweight championship title. The win catapults Rocky’s career, at least that’s what the following montage, accompanied by Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger”, suggests. Inter-cut with shots of Rocky’s growing fame and wealth are shots of Clubber Lang, a super tough guy boxer played ferociously by Mr. T.
Lang is hungry for the heavyweight title and Rocky is becoming complacent. We learn all of this from a few shots in the montage and some vague, platitude filled dialogue later. Essentially, Clubber has the “eye of the tiger”, Rocky no longer does.Let me summarize before heading into some of the specific elements of the film. Rocky is the heavyweight champ. He is rich and apparently more intelligent; no longer the “punch drunk goofy bastard” (Rocky Balboa 2006) we have come to know and love. All of this success, and the fact that he has a wife and son, have made Rocky more concerned with domestic matters. Early in the film, Mick states that the worst thing that can happen to a fighter is becoming “civilized”. I suppose fighters have more in common with warthogs than people—at least good fighters anyway. In any event, Rocky is oblivious to this reality; he feels he is still a good fighter. Rocky is so unaware, in fact, that he sees no harm in holding an exhibition match with a pro-wrestler named “Thunder-Lips”.
Thunder-Lips, looking like a cross between a New Orleans pimp and He-Man, is played by Hulk Hogan in a somewhat nuanced way, for the Hulkster anyway.
Alright, that last sentence isn’t exactly true. In any event, the scene lasts far too long, but it does prove the point that Rocky has become a sideshow. Things come to a head when Clubber Lang approaches Rocky at the unveiling of the new Rocky statue. 
Clubber repeatedly heckles Balboa saying variations of “if you were a real man, you’d fight me—foo!” Clubber obviously has not become overly civilized. In fact, Clubber has more in common with an English Bull Dog than a human being. Rocky is able to restrain his rage until Clubber directs his attention to Rocky’s long suffering wife, Adrian played by once again by Talia Shire.
Clubber feigns sympathy saying “I bet you stay awake at night wishing you had a real man”. Lang thoughtfully adds, “why don’t you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight and I’ll show you a real man”. Rocky was sufficiently enraged and accepts Lang’s challenge. Mick is not thrilled with Rocky’s choice, because he feels Clubber can “kill [him] to death inside of three rounds”, but he agrees to help Rocky train.The training is an utter failure because the Stallion is more interested in signing autographs and entertaining his adoring fans at a gym that Mick aptly describes as a “creep joint”. Here is where the obnoxious self-referencing occurs. For example, when Rocky is sparring, a band is playing a tinny variation of the Rocky theme. Mick mercifully asks them to stop. There are numerous other instances, but I’ll spare you.
The movie is not totally without poignancy, however. On the day of the fight with Lang, Mick suffers a heart attack. Rocky desperately wants to stay with his ailing manager, but finally steps into the ring—with Apollo Creed announcing. The Italian Stallion is K.O’d in the second round and hurries to Mick’s side. Mick is barely alive, but he manages to ask Rocky how the fight went. Rocky tells his manager that the fight was over inside of three rounds. Mick assumes Rocky was the victor, and Balboa doesn’t try to convince him otherwise. Mick dies almost immediately thereafter. Rocky’s grief is real and the scene is moving.
Unfortunately, the rest of the film plays like a bad fanfiction—Apollo Creed trains Rocky to beat Mr. T. Cool!!!...No, not so cool. After Mick’s death, Rocky enters into an understandable funk that ultimately leads him to his old gym. Who does he find there? None other than the King of Sting, Apollo Creed. Creed also has a beef with Lang, probably because Clubber is a motor mouth bozo, but he is also interested in helping Rocky get back “the eye of the tiger”, so Creed offers to train Balboa, for an un-disclosed favor. There you have it. The “eye of the tiger” is as much definition of the fighting spirit as we’ll get in this film. Rocky is not fighting for Mick, he is fighting to get the eye of the tiger back! The Lang re-match is on!
Creed’s training is quite a bit different from Mick’s. He takes Rocky to an L.A. gym. Paulie and Adrian tag along. Paulie is very skeptical of Creed’s methods, but not for the same reasons many audience members are. Really, Apollo, what is up with the mini-tank tops!
The scenes in Apollo’s gym aren’t awful. I find it odd, however, that Paulie’s obvious racism is only rebutted by Rocky’s “maybe they don’t like you either” line. Then again, dialogue in Rocky doesn’t exactly plumb the depths of human nature. For example, Rocky emphatically tells Paulie that friends don’t owe, “They do because they wanna do”. The dialogue is, on occasion, entirely incoherent. At one point, Rocky insists that Paulie not “get mentally irregular” to which Paulie replies “I don’t need no philosophy lesson”. Clubber Lang also seems to have trouble with English. When asked how the re-match will go, Clubber shouts “’I’m gonna torture him. I’m gonna crucify him--real bad!” I wasn’t aware there are degrees of crucifixion, but I’ll take Mr. T’s word for it.Creed’s training program is unsuccessful until Adrian gives Rocky a wake-up call. The subsequent montage tells us that Rocky is now wearing mini tank tops too! The whole segment culminates in the infamous beach scene. The scene consists of Apollo and Rocky racing along the beach. We are treated to super close up shots of Rocky and Apollo’s legs in semi slo-mo.
The filming of said scene is peculiar to say the least. When Rocky finally out runs Apollo, the two celebrate by leaping in the waves and hugging. Many find the scene to be slightly, well, gay—for lack of a better term. 
Let me quote an IMDb poster (rattlesnake_suitcase) on the matter who feels that the scene is “so gay” because:“[O]f the tight shorts, the slow-motion, the hugging, laughing, clapping, and hopping”.
Many other posters have challenged this view, however. Pirate_Patch offers:
“This was actually a very popular scene at its time, as you didn't see too much affection between a white guy and a black guy in movies. A very touching scene. Well done to Stallone for including that in the movie.”
There is definitely something to be said for the above, but I have to agree with Climber15ML, though, when he says:
“There are better ways to show friendship then prancing around the ocean wearing wet daisy dukes”.
The filming of the scene, the location and the ersatz Apollo-Rocky friendship really detracted from the film. Just look at how much it has distracted this review! You’ll have to decide for yourselves—I’d love to hear your opinions. To see a clip of the video,
Now, for the climax. Rocky has finally gotten his act together with the help of Apollo and Adrian., but Clubber is just as determined, and he’s now wearing black trunks. When Lang enters the arena wearing a black hooded robe he looks quite Sith-like.
Moments before the fight begins, Apollo gives Rocky his patriotic trunks to wear in the bout. Rocky graciously accepts. How the heck can Rocko fit in Apollo’s trunks? Self-fitting perhaps? The men have very different body-types and sizes. The trunks prove to be magical, and Rocky clubs Clubber in the opening round. Lang seems to have rubbed off on the Stallion, however, since he heartily partakes in some trash talkin’. I won’t tell you how the fight ends (really, I have to make you watch this some how). 
In conclusion, I wouldn’t say Rocky III is a “DVD don’t”, but I wouldn’t call it great entertainment either. Rocky is a bit out of character in this film and Paulie is more abrasive than usual. The Rocky-Apollo friendship was pretty unbelievable for me, but it does have an impact on Rocky IV. It lacks the heart of Rocky I-II and the comic book showiness of IV. It is a transitional piece. A little like the digestion process. Rocky I and II were good films, Rocky III digested them and we get Rocky IV. Disclaimer—I’m not necessarily implying Rocky IV is crap.
Watch it for Mick’s death and the “Eye of the Tiger” montage. It would also be a good rent if you are a Mr. T fan. Bit of advice, don’t turn up the volume too high. The punches sound like cannon shot connecting with hickory.
*Guest Reviewer Royal_Nonesuch
Madness Rating-----------------------8/10
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