Midnight Snack Movie Reviews--- The Master Of Disguise

James Brolin, Harold Gould, Jennifer Esposito, Brent Spiner. What do they all have in common? They all made terrible carreer moves by deciding to appear in The Master of Disguise. Its no surprise that Jim Carrey turned down the title role of Pistachio Disguisey. (one of few good moves by Carrey in the last 5 years). Dana Carvey must have still been on some serious medication when he accepted this movie, or at least I hope that he was not in his right mind.
The movie starts by showing us some of the famous family history of the Disguisey's. They apparently used their skills at disguise to help the common good in Italy and in America throughout the centuries (Disguisey sound like a name made up in the 1500's to hide Jewish Heritage.) And even implies they aided Abe Lincoln in his presidential campaign. (by breakdancing in front of a crowd of 50) It shows James Brolin, dressed as Bo Derek, thwarting the efforts of a young Devlin Bowman (Spiner) in Palermo in the 1970's.
Then in "Present Day", Fabrizio, his wife, and his son Pistachio, live in a fictional Little Italy, and own a small Italian restaraunt. Mama Disguisey, played by Edie McClurg, is introduced primarily to show the obsession of Disguisey men for enormously, disfiguredely large posteriors. Pistachio is shown to have had a lifelong desire to dress as other people for no apparent reason. Fabrizio had attempted to hide the family secret in an effort to live a normal life (as normal as one can be when they spent the better part of youth impersonating female supermodels). Anybody expecting any class from this movie had already left the theater and spent the change from their 20 on the Star Wars arcade in the lobby.
After a few unnecessary spaghetti and meatball jokes, and the introduction of Pistachio's bully (later physically assaulted by Pistachio), everything is turned upside down(or rightside up the way this thing started). Fabrizio and Mama Disguisey have been kidnapped by Devlin Bowman and are being used to gather rare artifacts...!
Confused and angry (and annoying), Pistachio is called on by his Grandfather to take up the Disguisey way and rescue his parents. But in order to do so, he must first hire an 'assistant' (producer's excuse to put Jennifer Esposito in this trash). After holding open interviews, Pistachio and his grandfather hire Esposito and they immediately begin to work on the case. Esposito's character also has a son whom Pistachio bonds with *here comes lunch!* (I didn't mention the annoying little dog named 'The Cuteness')
After finding a clue in the dumpster (perhaps the final draft of the script was in there), they head to the Turtle Club. It is there where Carvey reveals the first in a line of genuinely confusing and disturbing personas. The 'Turtle Guy' as he is called (he looks more like a terminally ill clown who forgot his makeup) intimidates members of the cigar bar into giving more info on Bowman, but his plan backfires.(as 90% of the jokes in this movie do)
I can safely skip the next 20 minutes of the movie and summarize it thusly: Dana Carvey scene jumps from character to character, impersonating Al Pacino, George Bush, Robert Shaw from Jaws, and even a cowpie, and Jennifer Esposito is captured. The only way to get into Bowman's mansion is to dress as a cherry pie (yes I said it...cherry pie...)
After freeing James Brolin from the Bowman brainwashing, Pistachio and his grandfather battle ninjas (inserted to wake up the children in the theater) return all the artifacts, and defeat Bowman for good. It is implied that Pistachio married Jennifer Esposito and they live happily ever after, but one can only hope that he suffered some terrible injury from one of his impersonations.
Powered by 'Energico, and by repeating the mantra "Become another Person, Become another person!", Pistachio is able to seamlessly move from persona to persona. But halfway through this film, I found myself saying "Become another movie, become another movie!!". The 12 minute long credits sequence was necessary to make the movie feature length. (thank God it was short!).
If you go in with the mindset of "Ok, this is going to be garbage, and I will probably have homicidal thoughts about Dana Carvey", then you might escape without being too scarred, but overall, you have to be careful when fooling with a movie THIS bad.

PS: (I wasn't going to mention it, but all of Devlin Bowman's scenes end with him suddenly stopping laughing because he unintentionally broke wind *with sound effects made by Carvey off-screen)

Madness Rating--------2/10