The Perfect Episode of the Wild Wild West

As I prepare myself for the 3-day DVD binge that is the second season of The Wild, Wild, West, I reflect on what made this series so great. No, not crisp dialogue, socially important plotlines, or death defying cliffhangers, but rather the random monkey assaults, radioactive apes, and crazed Portuguese Pirates that lit up our screens and our imaginations. After viewing the entire series more than once (one time in a period of 2 weeks), I can safely boil down the great episodes by a simple 9 step formula. On a scale from 1-5 (least to greatest) or Y/N, you can use this system to rate the perfect episode.

1.) The Guest Star Power. ____ Whether it was Ed Asner as a crazed bio terrorist or Ricardo Montalban as a time travelling Confederate General, the guest stars can really boost the AR (Awesome Rating) of an episode.
2.) Drugging Y/N Often a tool to subdue or capture James West, whether by injection or ingestion, drugs and tranquilizers always are present in the great episodes.
3.) Paper Thin Female Characters ____ Usually if not always at the end of the episode, often seen as nothing more than a celebration for James West's victory.
4.) Midgets/Deformed Villains _____ Everyone knows of the midget mastermind Dr. Loveless, but we can't forget our other less fortunate fiends, like the enormous noggin of Tycho, or the metal feet of a French bruiser stealing Plutonium, or the steam powered wheelchair riding villain who has a supercomputer under Colorado, or the gargantuan Voltaire, sidekick of Loveless.
5.) Random Cowhand Attacks _____ Yup, the random, batman-style fist fights. You know whenever James West walks out of a saloon and you see more than one guy pacing along a sidewalk and the camera is extra wide, there's gonna be trouble! Always look like moron cowhands on the end of a cattle drive, never polished assasins, every great episode has at least one of these random brawls.
6.) Ridiculous Gadgets _____ Examples include the exploding belt buckle, the bulletproof 'vest' (literally a formal vest made of metal), the blade in the boot, the heart stopping pill that doesn't kill you, etc.
7.) Ridiculous Premise _____ Whether its robot clones of James West blowing themselves up at important meetings or trained monkeys assasinating bankers, you are sure to be captivated by what they could get away with and still be classified as a drama.
8.) Impossible Escapes ____ Not "Did he just do that!?", but more like "Did they just write that!?", the resolutions to the commercial break cliffhangers can be wild and crazy at times, like when James West was clearly shot point blank in the chest several times, he explained it away saying "She wasn't that great of a shot"
9.) Anything else that makes you go "I don't believe I just saw that".
In this cynical age of blogs, iPods, and fax machines, its good to know that there is still mindless, violent entertainment out there that quenches all amusement thirsts.

News and Pre-Vues!

A couple announcements to begin: First of all, my thanks again to "Royal_Nonesuch" for the terribly terrific review of everyone's favorite Mr. T movie "Rocky III", and secondly, we here at Midnight Snack are once again trying to start up the DVD Audio Commentary Campaign (so far it is as hard to start up as heavily used T-34). Any suggestions or requests, (or petition to join in a commentary) are welcome.

Now, for the main event. The preview of upcoming Midnight Snack blog events.

Movies:

Kingdom of the Spiders---William Shatner stars in this delightfully dreadful 1977 cult classic. Shatner plays veterinarian Dr. Rack Hanson, a dashing ladies man of a vet who is called in to investigate the mysterious deaths of some local farm animals. After some basic observations by Hanson (he seems too distracted with his latest conquest to focus on the task at hand) it becomes obvious that the deaths are caused by Taranchula attacks. Before Rack can put two and two together, the town is overrun with 8 legged freaks! Another fine film by well loved B movie Director John "Bud" Cardos.

TV:

80's TV Sex Symbols


The 80's! Totally Awesome! Ah, the good old days, before the advent of the cell phone, or the internet, or video games with more than 8 colors. Other than cocaine abuse and Ronald Reagan, what says The 80's more than male TV sex symbols? Look out. No man (or mullet) is safe on this post. Royal_Nonesuch returns to compare, contrast, and condemn the stars of yesteryear.

Midnight Snack Movie Reviews--- Rocky III

Where should I begin? The non sequitur, semi colloquial dialogue? The obnoxious inside jokes, or, perhaps, the fact that Butkus is not in this film? All of these problems and more become apparent after the first few minutes of the film. Maybe I should just start at the beginning.

Rocky III is a direct sequel to Rocky II. You may think this goes without saying, but we must never take anything for granted in the world of Rocky. The film opens with a clip from Rocky II—the moment when Rocky and Apollo both go down for the count, but our favorite Philadelphian manages to get back on his feet thereby winning him the heavyweight championship title. The win catapults Rocky’s career, at least that’s what the following montage, accompanied by Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger”, suggests. Inter-cut with shots of Rocky’s growing fame and wealth are shots of Clubber Lang, a super tough guy boxer played ferociously by Mr. T. Lang is hungry for the heavyweight title and Rocky is becoming complacent. We learn all of this from a few shots in the montage and some vague, platitude filled dialogue later. Essentially, Clubber has the “eye of the tiger”, Rocky no longer does.

Let me summarize before heading into some of the specific elements of the film. Rocky is the heavyweight champ. He is rich and apparently more intelligent; no longer the “punch drunk goofy bastard” (Rocky Balboa 2006) we have come to know and love. All of this success, and the fact that he has a wife and son, have made Rocky more concerned with domestic matters. Early in the film, Mick states that the worst thing that can happen to a fighter is becoming “civilized”. I suppose fighters have more in common with warthogs than people—at least good fighters anyway. In any event, Rocky is oblivious to this reality; he feels he is still a good fighter. Rocky is so unaware, in fact, that he sees no harm in holding an exhibition match with a pro-wrestler named “Thunder-Lips”.

Thunder-Lips, looking like a cross between a New Orleans pimp and He-Man, is played by Hulk Hogan in a somewhat nuanced way, for the Hulkster anyway. Alright, that last sentence isn’t exactly true. In any event, the scene lasts far too long, but it does prove the point that Rocky has become a sideshow. Things come to a head when Clubber Lang approaches Rocky at the unveiling of the new Rocky statue. Clubber repeatedly heckles Balboa saying variations of “if you were a real man, you’d fight me—foo!” Clubber obviously has not become overly civilized. In fact, Clubber has more in common with an English Bull Dog than a human being.

Rocky is able to restrain his rage until Clubber directs his attention to Rocky’s long suffering wife, Adrian played by once again by Talia Shire. Clubber feigns sympathy saying “I bet you stay awake at night wishing you had a real man”. Lang thoughtfully adds, “why don’t you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight and I’ll show you a real man”. Rocky was sufficiently enraged and accepts Lang’s challenge. Mick is not thrilled with Rocky’s choice, because he feels Clubber can “kill [him] to death inside of three rounds”, but he agrees to help Rocky train.

The training is an utter failure because the Stallion is more interested in signing autographs and entertaining his adoring fans at a gym that Mick aptly describes as a “creep joint”. Here is where the obnoxious self-referencing occurs. For example, when Rocky is sparring, a band is playing a tinny variation of the Rocky theme. Mick mercifully asks them to stop. There are numerous other instances, but I’ll spare you.

The movie is not totally without poignancy, however. On the day of the fight with Lang, Mick suffers a heart attack. Rocky desperately wants to stay with his ailing manager, but finally steps into the ring—with Apollo Creed announcing. The Italian Stallion is K.O’d in the second round and hurries to Mick’s side. Mick is barely alive, but he manages to ask Rocky how the fight went. Rocky tells his manager that the fight was over inside of three rounds. Mick assumes Rocky was the victor, and Balboa doesn’t try to convince him otherwise. Mick dies almost immediately thereafter. Rocky’s grief is real and the scene is moving.
Unfortunately, the rest of the film plays like a bad fanfiction—Apollo Creed trains Rocky to beat Mr. T. Cool!!!...No, not so cool. After Mick’s death, Rocky enters into an understandable funk that ultimately leads him to his old gym. Who does he find there? None other than the King of Sting, Apollo Creed. Creed also has a beef with Lang, probably because Clubber is a motor mouth bozo, but he is also interested in helping Rocky get back “the eye of the tiger”, so Creed offers to train Balboa, for an un-disclosed favor. There you have it. The “eye of the tiger” is as much definition of the fighting spirit as we’ll get in this film. Rocky is not fighting for Mick, he is fighting to get the eye of the tiger back! The Lang re-match is on!

Creed’s training is quite a bit different from Mick’s. He takes Rocky to an L.A. gym. Paulie and Adrian tag along. Paulie is very skeptical of Creed’s methods, but not for the same reasons many audience members are. Really, Apollo, what is up with the mini-tank tops! The scenes in Apollo’s gym aren’t awful. I find it odd, however, that Paulie’s obvious racism is only rebutted by Rocky’s “maybe they don’t like you either” line. Then again, dialogue in Rocky doesn’t exactly plumb the depths of human nature. For example, Rocky emphatically tells Paulie that friends don’t owe, “They do because they wanna do”. The dialogue is, on occasion, entirely incoherent. At one point, Rocky insists that Paulie not “get mentally irregular” to which Paulie replies “I don’t need no philosophy lesson”. Clubber Lang also seems to have trouble with English. When asked how the re-match will go, Clubber shouts “’I’m gonna torture him. I’m gonna crucify him--real bad!” I wasn’t aware there are degrees of crucifixion, but I’ll take Mr. T’s word for it.

Creed’s training program is unsuccessful until Adrian gives Rocky a wake-up call. The subsequent montage tells us that Rocky is now wearing mini tank tops too! The whole segment culminates in the infamous beach scene. The scene consists of Apollo and Rocky racing along the beach. We are treated to super close up shots of Rocky and Apollo’s legs in semi slo-mo. The filming of said scene is peculiar to say the least. When Rocky finally out runs Apollo, the two celebrate by leaping in the waves and hugging. Many find the scene to be slightly, well, gay—for lack of a better term. Let me quote an IMDb poster (rattlesnake_suitcase) on the matter who feels that the scene is “so gay” because:

“[O]f the tight shorts, the slow-motion, the hugging, laughing, clapping, and hopping”.

Many other posters have challenged this view, however. Pirate_Patch offers:

“This was actually a very popular scene at its time, as you didn't see too much affection between a white guy and a black guy in movies. A very touching scene. Well done to Stallone for including that in the movie.”

There is definitely something to be said for the above, but I have to agree with Climber15ML, though, when he says:

“There are better ways to show friendship then prancing around the ocean wearing wet daisy dukes”.

The filming of the scene, the location and the ersatz Apollo-Rocky friendship really detracted from the film. Just look at how much it has distracted this review! You’ll have to decide for yourselves—I’d love to hear your opinions. To see a clip of the video,

Now, for the climax. Rocky has finally gotten his act together with the help of Apollo and Adrian., but Clubber is just as determined, and he’s now wearing black trunks. When Lang enters the arena wearing a black hooded robe he looks quite Sith-like. Moments before the fight begins, Apollo gives Rocky his patriotic trunks to wear in the bout. Rocky graciously accepts. How the heck can Rocko fit in Apollo’s trunks? Self-fitting perhaps? The men have very different body-types and sizes. The trunks prove to be magical, and Rocky clubs Clubber in the opening round. Lang seems to have rubbed off on the Stallion, however, since he heartily partakes in some trash talkin’. I won’t tell you how the fight ends (really, I have to make you watch this some how).

In conclusion, I wouldn’t say Rocky III is a “DVD don’t”, but I wouldn’t call it great entertainment either. Rocky is a bit out of character in this film and Paulie is more abrasive than usual. The Rocky-Apollo friendship was pretty unbelievable for me, but it does have an impact on Rocky IV. It lacks the heart of Rocky I-II and the comic book showiness of IV. It is a transitional piece. A little like the digestion process. Rocky I and II were good films, Rocky III digested them and we get Rocky IV. Disclaimer—I’m not necessarily implying Rocky IV is crap.

Watch it for Mick’s death and the “Eye of the Tiger” montage. It would also be a good rent if you are a Mr. T fan. Bit of advice, don’t turn up the volume too high. The punches sound like cannon shot connecting with hickory.

*Guest Reviewer Royal_Nonesuch

Madness Rating-----------------------8/10

Midnight Snack Movie Reviews--- The Master Of Disguise

James Brolin, Harold Gould, Jennifer Esposito, Brent Spiner. What do they all have in common? They all made terrible carreer moves by deciding to appear in The Master of Disguise. Its no surprise that Jim Carrey turned down the title role of Pistachio Disguisey. (one of few good moves by Carrey in the last 5 years). Dana Carvey must have still been on some serious medication when he accepted this movie, or at least I hope that he was not in his right mind.
The movie starts by showing us some of the famous family history of the Disguisey's. They apparently used their skills at disguise to help the common good in Italy and in America throughout the centuries (Disguisey sound like a name made up in the 1500's to hide Jewish Heritage.) And even implies they aided Abe Lincoln in his presidential campaign. (by breakdancing in front of a crowd of 50) It shows James Brolin, dressed as Bo Derek, thwarting the efforts of a young Devlin Bowman (Spiner) in Palermo in the 1970's.
Then in "Present Day", Fabrizio, his wife, and his son Pistachio, live in a fictional Little Italy, and own a small Italian restaraunt. Mama Disguisey, played by Edie McClurg, is introduced primarily to show the obsession of Disguisey men for enormously, disfiguredely large posteriors. Pistachio is shown to have had a lifelong desire to dress as other people for no apparent reason. Fabrizio had attempted to hide the family secret in an effort to live a normal life (as normal as one can be when they spent the better part of youth impersonating female supermodels). Anybody expecting any class from this movie had already left the theater and spent the change from their 20 on the Star Wars arcade in the lobby.
After a few unnecessary spaghetti and meatball jokes, and the introduction of Pistachio's bully (later physically assaulted by Pistachio), everything is turned upside down(or rightside up the way this thing started). Fabrizio and Mama Disguisey have been kidnapped by Devlin Bowman and are being used to gather rare artifacts...!
Confused and angry (and annoying), Pistachio is called on by his Grandfather to take up the Disguisey way and rescue his parents. But in order to do so, he must first hire an 'assistant' (producer's excuse to put Jennifer Esposito in this trash). After holding open interviews, Pistachio and his grandfather hire Esposito and they immediately begin to work on the case. Esposito's character also has a son whom Pistachio bonds with *here comes lunch!* (I didn't mention the annoying little dog named 'The Cuteness')
After finding a clue in the dumpster (perhaps the final draft of the script was in there), they head to the Turtle Club. It is there where Carvey reveals the first in a line of genuinely confusing and disturbing personas. The 'Turtle Guy' as he is called (he looks more like a terminally ill clown who forgot his makeup) intimidates members of the cigar bar into giving more info on Bowman, but his plan backfires.(as 90% of the jokes in this movie do)
I can safely skip the next 20 minutes of the movie and summarize it thusly: Dana Carvey scene jumps from character to character, impersonating Al Pacino, George Bush, Robert Shaw from Jaws, and even a cowpie, and Jennifer Esposito is captured. The only way to get into Bowman's mansion is to dress as a cherry pie (yes I said it...cherry pie...)
After freeing James Brolin from the Bowman brainwashing, Pistachio and his grandfather battle ninjas (inserted to wake up the children in the theater) return all the artifacts, and defeat Bowman for good. It is implied that Pistachio married Jennifer Esposito and they live happily ever after, but one can only hope that he suffered some terrible injury from one of his impersonations.
Powered by 'Energico, and by repeating the mantra "Become another Person, Become another person!", Pistachio is able to seamlessly move from persona to persona. But halfway through this film, I found myself saying "Become another movie, become another movie!!". The 12 minute long credits sequence was necessary to make the movie feature length. (thank God it was short!).
If you go in with the mindset of "Ok, this is going to be garbage, and I will probably have homicidal thoughts about Dana Carvey", then you might escape without being too scarred, but overall, you have to be careful when fooling with a movie THIS bad.

PS: (I wasn't going to mention it, but all of Devlin Bowman's scenes end with him suddenly stopping laughing because he unintentionally broke wind *with sound effects made by Carvey off-screen)

Madness Rating--------2/10

News and Greetings

Stardate 3.20.07
Salutations, faithful reader(s). Welcome to all readers who have moved from the old blog. This site is a much better fit, and will work to serve my purposes well. For new readers, this is a condensed blog of the last few months, eliminating superfluous entries. As I have already stated, I will be expanding my operations into the media field as well, providing pictures and sound quotes from my projects. However, a great idea struck me today. I will now also feature individual TV episodes, if not entire episode guides for the reviews, complete with screencaps from each episode and quotes. The first ones will probably be from the Wild, Wild, West and the Greatest American Hero, but my mind is open.

requests:
lord.robbo@gmail.com

Midnight Snack Movie Review Must List

The Midnight Snack MUST List
Stardate 3.20.07
I have constructed a veritable "Must List" for all fans of garbage movies and of Midnight Snack. It is a list of movies that need to be properly "understood", and that will most probably be reviewed by the author of this web-log, if my celebrity-like schedule should allow it. Also an update on the format for future releases. All new reviews will have a link to a database of quotes (.wav files) and screencaptures from the film, in order to complete the completeness of the review (if that makes any sense...) Anyway, here goes:
Equals Against Devils---1985--- Now when you think of a martial arts film, what's the first thing that comes to mind? Why BILLIARDS of course! Yes, this (alleged) martial arts thriller is fueled by one man's quest to make it back to the top of the Hong Kong trick billiards world after being brutally disfigured by an evil rival. Don't believe the garbage that the DVD box says of the film (judging from the quality of the DVD production, I would say that they had a uniform description for every film they release).
Fists of Fury---1971--- Bruce Lee (not Bruce Le, or Bruce Li) stars in this wild, wacky tale of corruption, kissing cousins, labor disputes, and of course, the token rice-ball-selling, bright-eyed, street smart, 8 year old who gets beaten up by a group of 20-something thugs who seemingly cruise around town all day looking for people to hassle. The final assault on the "Boss's" compound is worth the price of admission (which should be so low as not to be calculable in US currency, but worth about 2 sea shells in some 3rd world nation standard.)
Tango and Cash---1989--- You know someone's career has hit on hard times when Tango and Cash is the highlight of any 5 year period, but such was the state of Sylvester Stallone's credits from 1989 to 1994. He plays Ray Tango, an intellectual stock brokering cop who is in the force only for fame and excitement. Opposite him stars(glows, maybe) Kurt Russel as the street wise and scrappy Gabe Cash. The two are constantly in a battle for headlines over who the best cop in LA is(no wonder they got in trouble in the early '90s) when suddenly they are set up by the evil Perret, played by the skeletal Jack Palance, and they are tossed in jail. In jail the two acknowledge that they must work together (through entirely unnecessary shower scences and references to homosexual acts) They team up to get back at Perret and clear their names(from at least what Perret did to them, anyway).
Rocky III---1982--- Rocky must regain the "Eye of the Tiger" after becoming a complacent champ. After getting clobbered by "Clubber" Lang (played by Mr. T), and after his trainer Mick (Burgess Meredith) dies, Rocky loses his winning spirit. But when former rival Apollo Creed steps in to train Rocky, they both get close (perhaps too close?...) and are ready to challenge for the belt. Rocky is out to prove that he is still the best (160 lb) Heavyweight in the world. *guest reviewer
More to follow....

Midnight Snack Movie Reviews---Invisible Invaders

Stardate: 3.20.07,
Welcome, one and all, to the first weekly installment of the Midnight Snack Movie Reviews; a "web-log" consisting of my wonderful reviews of some not-so-wonderful films. As those around me may know, I have a considerable knowledge of sub-par films. I will put my knowledge to good use by helping the helpless movie-going public help themselves
This week's film: "Invisible Invaders". A 1959 anti-nuclear message film "co-starring" John Carradine and John Agar. (the film never bills a 'star'). Also playing an important part is Philip Tonge, in his final film. Tonge plays Adam Penner, an idealist nuclear research professor who turns his knowledge away from military research after his friend, Karol Noymann (Carradine) dies in a freak lab explosion.
On the night of Noymann's funeral, invisible aliens (who seem to shuffle their feet ALOT) inhabit the body of Noymann and visit the grieving Penner. Penner answers his door to find his friend standing there (looking quite good considering he died in a nuclear explosion; that mortician deserves an award of some kind). The alien warns Penner of an upcoming invasion if earth does not stop nuclear experimentation within 24 hours (suckers are in a HURRY). Penner then contacts his scientist daughter and her less-than-spectacular scientist boyfriend about the visit. They think he's crazy, but they agree to get the story out.
The following morning, all the major newspapers headline "Charges of Space Attack Branded Ridiculous". Everyone involved seems disappointed (though they managed to make headlines on all major papers within a day!).
The alien once again warns Penner that earth will have one final warning. This "warning" was a plane crash (military stock footage) and an invisible alien inhabits the body of the lifeless pilot (he was lifeless before he died, anyway). He goes to a hockey game!? (yes, we all know that if you want to get a message out to the mass public in America, you go to a hockey game)
Then the film takes a cheese-tastic turn. After the 'warnings' go unheeded, the aliens attempt to "destroy the infrastructure of the world by sabotage". At this point there is a about 10 minutes of stock footage of buildings burning down, as well as a stolen scene from the film "Thunder Road". The radio reporter quite professionally reported: "Finland and Russia were blown up!" I am particularly intrigued by the 'supply depot' in this scene. (it shows Wehrmacht soldiers putting out fires at a Nazi barracks).
The film kicks it into second gear (which for this film is about 14 MPH). The Air Force takes Adam Penner and co. to a secret bunker. (enter John Agar as the fearless Major Jay).
Agar provides the film with yet another paper thin character. On the way to the bunker they are confronted by a crazed farmer, who notes "I seen them things, seen em walkin, walkin and killin!". This pre-Romero attempt at suspense falls almost as flat as Agar's performance.
Once the crew are in their super-secret bunker, they begin conceiving a plan for stopping the 'Invisible Invaders'. The invaders inhabit the dead bodies of humans. (only dumpy white guys, apparently...). They have a lifeline to "home base", which is pretty much a general sitting at a desk with a map behind him with thumb tacks placed in random points on the map, while he is constantly being given papers.
After some fighting amongst the crew, they come up with a plan. Seal the invader in the body with a hard plastic coating. Agar goes out of the bunker, wearing a ridiculous bee-keeper suit, on the hunt for an invader. Using his 'plastic gun' he attempts to seal the invader in, but the invader escapes the body in time and attacks Agar. (seeing him attempt to act as if he was being strangled is the worth the price of the DVD). Penner comes up with a cunning plan; dunk the invader in the solution to make instantaneous covering!
Agar once again goes out invader hunting. This time he lures the same deranged farmer he shot earlier, now an alien, into a pit of the solution. (the pit is liquid, but it turns the invader solid instantly!?)
Once at the base with the invader, they conduct experiments on him. After a few laughable moments, they discover that sound is what kills them! (it makes them melt into a pile of...well you know) Using his talents for junk making, Penner constructs Sound Guns to stop the invaders. All of the crew drives out of the bunker in their pimped out International Harvester, with John Agar snugly strapped on top, and look for the mother ship. They track it down surprisingly quick, and with a quick zap, BOOM there she goes. Aliens done, Earth saved, and no more earthlings-fighting-earthlings.
Let's not forget the wonderful narrator, who feels the need to narrate about every action in the movie, even cutting over important dialogue. This technique was employed to expedite plot exposition, and it made the film very choppy.
In the end, the movie only runs 67 minutes, but it seem like 67 hours. Don't take this film seriously, and you might escape it without permanent damage. This movie is available on DVD, and an audio commentary by myself and my film crew should be available within the next month or two. I'll keep you posted.